$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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