You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
