We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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