im so drunk with asians
where?
always
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
