My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
