He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
