I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
