just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
