She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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