So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
It's never too late to be topless.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
