that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
