Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
