I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
