The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
