if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
