Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
