I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
