her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
