Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize