Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
