he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
