i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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