Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize