Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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