I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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