I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
