If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
