Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
