just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
