that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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