She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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