party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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