1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
