My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize