She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
