Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
