omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Enjoy the penises
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
