Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
