Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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