I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
