She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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