I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
