70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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