I'm gonna have a badass scar
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
