We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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