Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
