Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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