why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I love having hate sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
