Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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