when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
