You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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