I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
