i may or may not be watching the land before time
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
