Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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