Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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