I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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