apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
