I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
