i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
