K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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