NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
