So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
