Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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